I'm emotional this morning. I find tears constantly at the surface and yet it's not all bad. Sometimes it takes a valley to draw us closer to Christ and you realize again that it's all about Him.
My dad called last night wondering if my mother could come for the day. She was wanting to spend the day here and i was to softhearted (and cowardly) to be honest and say i'm not ready for that yet. I got off the phone and promptly went into our bedroom and cried. Sobbed, beat my fists against the bed is more like it. I was washed in a wave of anger at her dementia, furious that i don't have my mom anymore and resentful that she wanted to come. Not a pretty picture. I found myself begging for God to let her die. She would hate what she has become and my father has gone through agonies while watching his wife and best friend slip into another world. She's not the same woman who raised me, laughed with me and who loved to drink coffee with us. I've been grieving for 5 years and there's no end in sight. No closure, just more forgetfulness, a constant reminder of a disease that has robbed her of normality. I feel so blessed that she loves coming, loves chasing the children, and feels our love, and at the same time i'm in an emotional turmoil that i have little clue how to deal with. I want to run, let someone else take care of her and yet i know i could never do that. I see the pain my father is walking through and i feel helpless to fix it. They're at a time of life that is supposed to be beautiful and special. A time of late morning coffee, gentle porch swinging, meeting with old friends and reminiscing. It's not to be. So i cry. Deep heart wrenching weeping that leaves my eyes swollen and rimmed in red. But through it all i hear a faint whisper in my spirit. "My grace is sufficient."
And when i'm done railing against something that i have no control over, i feel His peace deep in my heart. Run away? No, not an option. I wondered last night if i even loved my mother anymore, loved the woman she's become, and this morning i know my love is strong. No, it's not my love, it's His love, the same love that 8 years ago took a broken woman and healed her, giving her a new marriage and a new life.
My mother didn't come this morning, but i look forward to seeing her again, to show her that i love her. She won't ever know that i questioned my love, she will think it was always there. And it was, hidden below the raging emotions and tears. The battle is far from over, but for now i rest in the peace that comes from once again surrendering.
And friends? Tell your mother that you love her. Spend a day with her, enjoying her. You will be a better person for it.