A cry that has been in my heart for the last 8 1/2 years is for a faith as simple and complete as a child's. I'm also discovering that a faith like that happens through circumstances that streeettcchhh you and test your character. But how beautiful it is to walk in that faith. I've also wondered how we can cultivate a faith like that in this culture. We really don't know what it's like to not have enough to eat, or to have to run for our lives, so i've asked myself and God how a faith like that happens in my life. The answer i consistently get back is to be faithful to trust God in every area of my life now, right where i'm at. As i hand my daily life back to Him, trusting Him in the smallest of things, I am preparing myself for that day when i may very well be running for my life. As i learn to die to myself now, serving my children and husband, He is cultivating that faith and teaching me to listen to that still small voice that is so easy to ignore. However, it comes at a price. A price that i have to choose again and again. One word, but on it hangs the very essence of Christianity.
Surrender. In the very smallest of details, in every area of my life. I can be as spiritual as i want, and do all the right things, but if i am holding back in any detail in my life, i will never experience that faith of a child. I have experienced it but any time i try and take back any control whatsoever, that peace leaves and i find myself stressing and worrying. I find myself correcting my man and arguing with him and you better believe that any peace whatsoever flies out the door.
In a practical way, one area that God laid His finger in my life recently is regarding future childbirth. I fought such terrible fear of it last time and it was every bit as bad as i was afraid it would be. Afterwards i found myself angry at God because i sensed He was asking me to trust Him. I know i have blogged somewhat about that recently but it was a BIG DEAL to me. I simply never wanted to walk through it again and i was sure hoping God would work it out so i wouldn't have to. So i threw a couple of temper tantrums, muttering to myself through my day that it simply can't be God's heart for me to experience that kind of pain, and i casually threw hints in Marlin's direction about maybe doing things different next time. He didn't buy it and neither did God. God started dealing with other issues in my life and as i surrendered in them, He then brought it back around. Ouch. If i can trust Him with my eternity, isn't He to be trusted through the pain of childbirth? Could it be that i'm still fighting it and hence the intense fear? Finally, finally i laid the whole matter at His feet and surrendered to walking through childbirth and labor the way HE wants me to and guess what? The fear and dread left and yes, it's easy to be free of fear when i'm not pregnant, but my heart has changed. I know it's a battle that i will have to fight again but every time i surrender i grow up just a bit more. I also decided to be proactive and get my body into shape as best as possible (and that means watching my intake of dessert at fellowship meal....i may need some accountability on that one.) but keeping in mind all the time that surrender is the key. It's not about epidural versus not, for i believe a person can be totally surrendered and choose to not go drug free, but it comes back to why a person does what he does. I knew if i go running for drugs or birth control out of fear, i would never find that true freedom that God wants to bring to my life in this area. And that would affect every other area of my life. So who knows how or where our next baby will be born, but as i cultivate that sweet and simple faith, i know that it will carry me through the next how many childbirths i have ahead of me. And in turn, it will carry me through whatever lays in store for our future.