She looks at me, her eyes full of pain. "Why did this have to happen to me? I asked the Lord why and He didn't answer........i just want to be normal again." My heart aches for my mother, a shell of who she used to be. I don't have any answer for her, so i wrap my arms around her and pray for faith. A faith that trusts even when i don't understand.
We have had some serious setbacks this month and i keep praying, "Lord, increase my faith." What kind of faith does it take to trust in a God we can't see? To believe that He is good when nothing makes sense? Or is that kind of faith impractical? Does only a fool believe that God is really in control and we can sing with joy, in spite of nothing making sense? Is it stupidity to say, "though He slay me, yet will i trust Him?" And yet, what's our options? Carrying a load of stress, worrying that it will never rain again, the meadows will never be green again, i will inherit my mother's disease, i'm a failure as a mother and on and on the list goes.....is that the way i want to live? NO! A resounding no! I've seen first hand what kind of life that is and i want different. I want a radical faith that trusts in a radical God. There's only one problem. That kind of faith only comes through testing. And every time i choose to trust, no matter WHAT, i feel that joy seeping through my very bones. Someday when i grow up, i will be able to say with Apostle Paul, "i have learned in whatsoever state i am, therewith to be content."