It is almost midnight and i should be sleeping but i'm not. Obviously. Today some dear friends of ours had their 5th child.....first daughter. We are so excited for them and then Marlin showed me the picture of their precious baby and i felt my heart go raw all over again.
I don't think i'm very good at this journey of grief. I don't feel like i'm walking through a dark valley with no light. My days are filled with laughter and normal living and i worry i'm not grieving enough. Maybe i'm shallow or refusing to allow myself to feel the pain. And then next thing i know i'm holding a fuzzy pink blanket with Hadassah's name on it, telling Jesus how much i miss her and how badly i want to hold her. And i wonder if maybe i'm not letting go.
Maybe there's not a "right" way to do this. Grief comes and then fades as life demands my full attention until something triggers it and pain washes over me in all its salty pain. I cry, and then i stop because all i can think of is how amazing it must be to be Hadassah and how God makes no mistakes. I have prayed for years that i would have a childlike faith and when it happens i'm stunned. God is answering my prayers, i can trust Him, and why am i surprised. Like everything else, there's no perfect formula to healing. Just trust in a perfect God.
I think its maybe like Emily said. When she saw the picture of that precious baby girl, she went into her room, laid her head on her desk and cried. The sadness and screaming whys came all over again. And then she did the right thing. She asked God to please fill her with peace and "mom, He did. It came in waves, like a flood, and washed over me." Her eyes shone with joy and peace, while ringed with sadness. The kind of sadness that gives a person depth because it ties heart strings to Jesus. He is not only tying heart strings with Emily, He's tying them with her mother and because of that, i can go to bed knowing that He's got the whole journey of grief figured out and all i need to do is walk with Him.
And so, good night.