01 March, 2014

Sadness......and Joy

  It is almost midnight and i should be sleeping but i'm not. Obviously. Today some dear friends of ours had their 5th child.....first daughter. We are so excited for them and then Marlin showed me the picture of their precious baby and i felt my heart go raw all over again.

  I don't think i'm very good at this journey of grief. I don't feel like i'm walking through a dark valley with no light. My days are filled with laughter and normal living and i worry i'm not grieving enough. Maybe i'm shallow or refusing to allow myself to feel the pain. And then next thing i know i'm holding a fuzzy pink blanket with Hadassah's name on it, telling Jesus how much i miss her and how badly i want to hold her. And i wonder if maybe i'm not letting go.

  Maybe there's not a "right" way to do this. Grief comes and then fades as life demands my full attention until something triggers it and pain washes over me in all its salty pain. I cry, and then i stop because all i can think of is how amazing it must be to be Hadassah and how God makes no mistakes. I have prayed for years that i would have a childlike faith and when it happens i'm stunned. God is answering my prayers, i can trust Him, and why am i surprised. Like everything else, there's no perfect formula to healing. Just trust in a perfect God.

  I think its maybe like Emily said. When she saw the picture of that precious baby girl, she went into her room, laid her head on her desk and cried. The sadness and screaming whys came all over again. And then she did the right thing. She asked God to please fill her with peace and "mom, He did. It came in waves, like a flood, and washed over me." Her eyes shone with joy and peace, while ringed with sadness. The kind of sadness that gives a person depth because it ties heart strings to Jesus. He is not only tying heart strings with Emily, He's tying them with her mother and because of that, i can go to bed knowing that He's got the whole journey of grief figured out and all i need to do is walk with Him.

 And so, good night.


  1. hugs, Darla! I appreciate your honesty and love hearing Emily's experienceing Jesus' peace! You all are so much in my thoughts especially much lately. Hope you are enjoying having dads n Anthonys there. I dream of being able to visit sometime too but...I hadn't been on here for awhile and so enjoyed "catching" up again! i just loved the pics of mom making the most of her time there and your little Levi! what a cutie!! just brimming with innocence and yet mischief! Hope your week is beautiful. Love, Jan

  2. So beautiful, Darla. Supposing you are right that 'there maybe is no 'right' way to grieve', I couldn't help but thinking the following...how can a person go wrong with feeling the pain and the loss and the tears and turning to Jesus in the pain and loss and tears, and surrendering to Him, time and time again...all in His time, as He brings the grief.? And I can't think He is not longing for us to do just that so that He can reach out in those moments and bring healing and hope and joy. And I 'watch' you from way over here, and I'd say 'you're doing a really good job of it'.
    And I watch you glorifying God with your life as you walk thru the fire and it is, once again, a huge encouragement in my life. Thank you! Big long hug, Mariellen

    (because I was too lazy to sign out of Tara's account...)

  3. Dear Darla,
    Jesus was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. Don't you wonder what His times at night with God sounded like, when all the world slept and He prayed alone on the mountain? And in the morning, He came down from that vigil with His Lord and filled the lowly place on earth He was called to fill...in time, with all its hindrances and needs, with all its cares and problems...He filled that spot so well because He spent time with His Father...I am convinced of it.
    Loving you from afar...sending cyber hugs your way.

  4. Oh my. I find myself crying. I can't imagine your grief, as you keep walking. I know only my own grief, and our lives are all different. But I care. And cry with you and your daughter and your family. Bless you...

  5. Reading back through some of your posts today and the tears are rolling down my cheeks.... I so identify with this post. I find myself feeling these same feelings in my journey of grief since my mom's death! Wondering some days if I'm weird for not being more sad and wondering the next why everything makes me want to cry. Thankful for a Father who loves me no matter how I grieve!! Prayers for you and yours today...


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