We weren't saved very long when in a prayer meeting, Marlin confessed in tears and brokenness our impurity in courtship and cried out for forgiveness. I followed suit because i knew our impurity had been sin and so i also asked Jesus for forgiveness but deep down inside, i wondered how much fun dating could be if it was pure. It wasn't a wondering based in rebellion but more like questioning. It was about two years later when the Holy Spirit shattered my heart and showed me how Marlin and i had robbed ourselves of something beautiful and pure. I don't remember the details but i do remember weeping and grieving while at the same time worshipping that we were completely forgiven. It was a time of pain and of healing. I also realized that no matter how forgiven and loved we were, we could never go back and try again. Our courtship was finished, our wedding night over.
There are so many, many things i wish i could do over. I have walked through a deeper brokenness over my past recently and a terrible grief as i realized how much i hurt not only myself but my Savior as a teen and young woman. The battles after salvation for my mind were incredibly intense as we fought the pits of hell to regain what i had freely handed over to satan for so many years. I still fight for the purity of my mind, and sometimes there are victories and other times the battle is overwhelming and i get tired. I want a list of things to check off and poof, i can move on to other things. Still, even as satan comes with fresh attack and accusations, i have discovered that as i cry out in complete desperation to Jesus, i find myself even more overwhelmed with His love and compassion.
God has been so completely gracious to us and has brought healing into our marriage in every area in ways that leave me speechless. I simply don't deserve what He has given us and my life is the greatest gift i know to give to Him. I am still on a journey and am determined, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to run this race well as more than a conqueror. My awe and amazement at the love that my Abba Father has for me has never grown old and it's for Him i run.
I wish for every one of you to meet the love of God Himself, and to weep at His feet over the brokenness of who we are as humans. You will never be the same.