I listened to a song this morning that i haven't listened to for a very long time. It was a song that Marlin and i used to listen to alot when we were first saved and we would weep. We wept for the miracle that Jesus had done in our lives, our hearts, and was doing in our marriage. Wept for the pure joy and love that we had found through Him. The song wasn't very well played or even very well sung but it touched a chord deep in our hearts.
This morning i wept again. There's times when i want to go back there. To the time when our new found love and salvation was fresh and passionate. And a time when i believed people when they said they knew Him. A time of sweet spiritual innocence. Slowly, slowly, we discovered that many people that said they knew Him, didn't. We grew up. And slowly small pieces of our hearts were disillusioned. Not with Jesus, never with Him, but with "Christians." We developed some wonderful deep friendships, mentors that walked beside us, wept with us and showed us how to mature. And then slowly God asked us to start walking alone, trusting Him for everything, including spiritual food. Our friendships didn't mean less, maybe they mean more, but it changed. And it hurt. It felt so much safer to just believe what people said to believe than to develop our own convictions. It seemed safer to trust other brothers than to trust my husband. God slowly uncurled my tightly clenched fists around my security blankets and asked me to simply trust Him, not only in my life but even more in my man's.
I saw my husband developing strong convictions for his family, his children and i was blessed. And scared. Sometimes those convictions cause us to stand alone and that's never an easy thing. Those kind of convictions don't make people popular, they don't allow you to "fit" in with "normal" people. Instead they remind you sharply that you're different, weird. The absolutely amazing thing is this. The times when we sank under discouragement, wondering if we have to high of a standard, if we're simply self righteous, always, ALWAYS God brought someone into our lives who shared the same passions and convictions. And they've come from all walks of life. No matter our background or where we're at, we have one thing in common, a bond that flows between us. A bond that comes from a love and passion for Jesus Christ and a willingness to walk away from everything "normal" and comfortable to follow their King. God has shown us that He will not be put into a box.
I once again have asked God to restore those pieces of my heart that have become disillusioned and for the grace to look to Him for my fulfillment, not other people. For the faith of a child to trust Him, for the faith to trust that He will finish what He has started in our lives and for the faith to walk one day at a time, never worrying about tomorrow but simply serving and loving Him today. There's no room for self righteousness when Jesus is your focus, only a deep humble amazement that He loves us so much that even now He is interceding for us. For me. How can i not surrender my life to such a glorious King.