And since i shared the other day on my being in a spiritual rut, i must now share why i was in that place. Ever wage a war in your very being where it's a matter of surrender to something that you feel God is calling you to, but you fight with tooth and nail? Kicking and screaming inside? That's been me. I won't go into detail of who or what, but let's just say that i understand to a much greater degree how Jonah felt before he found himself swallowed by a fish. I didn't even realize how much this battle and my refusal to give in was affecting my relationship with God and it was only this morning when i had my eyes ripped wide open. I knew my flesh was fighting against God (and my man)and i knew that if i simply refused to give in that neither would force me. However, i knew my sweet relationship with Jesus Christ and my husband was far to important to sacrifice. So last night in desperation i got on my knees and asked God to help me to surrender. And at 4:00 this morning He answered.
I was nursing Jacob and i started thinking back to when i was first saved 8 years ago. I remembered how i had promised Christ that i would go anywhere He called, although to be honest i was thinking along the lines of a far away mission field where i would die a heroic death. Maybe someone would even write a book about my great faith....and i could come back and awe people with my glorious testimonies, before my grand exit from this world of course. Nope, not happening. He's calling me to a far less obvious, and understood, mission. And to put it simply, i didn't want to. It looked impossible and i didn't think i wanted to find out how God would cross the impossible. I gave the Holy Spirit all the reasons why it would only make sense for Him to use someone else. I pretty much had myself convinced, but in the meantime i was losing my peace. This morning i saw the foolishness of my arguments and i sensed God showing me that all He was asking was for me to trust Him. To let go of all the "what if's" and place my hand in His. So i did. I let go. And my spiritual rut has changed to thanksgiving and praise that He loves me enough to not give up. . I jumped over the edge, so to speak, and i'm trusting God Himself to figure out the rest. I'm thinking Jonah and i have far more in common than i realized. And to think i used to have a secret belief that he was a loser.