There are times when God seems to ask the impossible and its those times when we make the choice to surrender our hearts, our plans and our dreams or make the choice to walk in bitterness. Yesterday we discovered that we are entering one of those times.
I have been having contractions so yesterday we headed into the hospital to find out what's going on. What we found left us stunned to our very core and overwhelmed with grief. The ultra sound clearly showed that our baby girl has anencephaly, a birth defect where the skull and brain at the back of the head did not develop right. The Doctor is telling us there is 0% chance of living more than a couple hours after birth. We decided to get a second opinion and had another ultrasound done at another place. We didn't tell the technician what the first ultrasound showed so as to get his unbiased opinion. He saw it quickly and left us with no doubt that the first ultrasound was right.
Tomorrow we head to Tenwek hospital, a mission hospital about 2 hours from here, where Marlin contacted a christian doctor (from PA nonethless) and asked to meet with him to get his thots on what direction to take from here. The doctor asked to do another ultrasound so he can see for himself so he's bringing the ultrasound machine to his house to make it more personal for us. Their family lost their little daughter unexpectedly to a brain tumor this past year and it was through following their blog and being blessed by their testimony that Marlin felt led to contact him. I can't say i look forward to the 2 1/2 hr drive or another ultrasound, as it feels like a fresh wound every time, but i welcome it if it means getting some direction and wisdom.
So many questions and yet underneath the grief there is a calm peace that God is walking with us. I can't help but think back to the day when i asked God how i was supposed to move to Africa and be pregnant at the same time. He spoke so clearly to my heart that He has a plan for this child, and whenever i felt overwhelmed with the move and adjustments, and with pregnancy hormones, i would remember that and gain fresh strength. So in spite of the tears i think of that quiet voice and my heart stills. And we will now have one more reason to look forward to that day when Jesus says "welcome home."