13 June, 2015

A Small Word of Advice from Christopher

  Christopher has a few things he'd like to share with fellow baby boy humans. Christopher? Take it away.

   "Hi guys, this is Christopher from Africa. I'm three months old (and counting) and i have a few tips that i thought might be a help to those of you who are also babies and fellow nursers of mamas.

  First of all, it helps to be cute. Really cute. Like me. But of course, doesn't every mama think there baby is the cutest one on the block? Let's not enlighten them. Believing you are the most adorable thing that ever existed will help your cause. My mama tells me this all the time.

  So you get yanked out of the womb into this cold, miserable world which is quite stressful but there are compensations. Mainly warm milk and cozy mother skin. When you first tasted that milk you figured everything will be just ok, and then they have the audacity to stick something called a pacifier into your mouth. Even tho it's miserable comfort compared to the real thing, go with it. You can retrain them later. Here's how you do it.

  Wait until you get sick. You'll hear your parents discussing how a schedule is not the thing to have when you're sick and you'll cough and hack in agreement. Start nursing as often as possible, even at night because there's nothing quite as pitiful as a baby with droopy eyes and a hot forehead. At this point you'll have them eating out of your hand, figuratively speaking. This is when you refuse the pacifier. Absolutely act as if you have no idea what it is. Spit it out, blow bubbles around it, and cry really hard until you get what you want. Which is nursing. (duh!) When you start hearing threatening things like schedules and retraining, it's time to crank up the cute factor.

  When you start nursing, act really, really hungry. Makes mama feel needed and important. After nursing for like 30 seconds, stop and stare at her. Make your eyes really big and just stare. She'll look down and go, "wow, you're really cute." Go back to eating and then do it again. After a while she might get annoyed because you're staring instead of eating so she'll start talking about bottles. At that point, up the cute factor. When she looks down to see you staring at her, give her a big smile. Make it a big one. She will oooh and aahh and forget about bottles and only remember what a privilege it is to nourish you. However, even a smile and stare isn't enough if you do it too often. Time to pull out the big guns. Stop nursing, start staring (making your eyes as big as possible), and when she looks down, give her a big smile and TALK to her. Go "agoo" or whatever makes her heart pitter patter, and your future is sealed. She will tell you that you are beautiful and forgiven of all your baby sins. Even the sin of refusing the pacifier, which i personally have been boycotting. I hate that thing and have a personal belief, bordering on a conviction, that those things are not from a beautiful place but are something dark and sinister.

  So for all babies out there, nurse in peace."

 This is Christopher's mama and what can i say. He has spoken truth.



  1. What a wise baby you are, Christopher. All of my cute little stinkers (save one) would have agreed with you! No pacifiers for them. :)

  2. Christopher is happy that there are babies keeping the faith.

    ~Baby Weav

  3. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Christopher has his mother's amazing ability to tell a grand story and make the reader believe every word! Little stinker...

    I hope he is feeling better. And I hope his mama is getting the rest she needs. Catering to super cute babies takes a lot of energy! As does making delicious milk for them. But you know all that...

    Thanks for sharing!!!

  4. Hahaha. Christopher, you have a very wise mama. She is SO on to you. :)


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