This season i'm in has it's challenges and they seem rather large. I might as well face it honestly. I'm a mother of nine, six of whom are in school. Make that seven. I also have an almost 4 year old and a 6 month old baby. I live in a double wide, albeit a big double wide but still, the noise is constant with no basement to chase them down too. Add in a whole week of rain and my nerves begin to fray. Too make things interesting my man is involved in starting up a returned merchandise store. It's exciting but stressful and in some ways i'm struggling to stay connected with him as i try and adjust to homeschooling again while wanting to be that perfect wife for him. I want to whine and complain about my needs instead of focusing on what his are.
We are also trying to readjust to simply living in America again and all the guilt that so easily happens with the richness of the American lifestyle. I love living in America but my heart cries out that i don't want to become settled in it or hold it to closely. I want to keep myself open to living in the furthest corner of the world. But lets face it, there are things that happened in Kenya on so many levels that we need to work through. Disappointments, disillusionments, death, sadness mixed with precious new friendships, laughter, and the prayers pouring in from so many believers. I want to slap a Bible verse on everything, a super spiritual smile, and pretend i'm big enough to not need other people.
Then there are small things that feel big. Such as a certain child taking our BRAND NEW, VERY EXPENSIVE vacuum sweeper that my husband bought for me to make my life easier, and using it to suck up water from the kitchen sink. It certainly sucked up the water, along with saturating the motor. We can't afford another like that so either a miracle is needing to happen, or we will have to make do with a very cheap sweeper and a broom.
So i thought and prayed.......I said to myself, "Darla, you have some choices to make or you sink into a hole that will be very hard to climb out of. First of all, no self pity. At all. And yet, no self condemnation. Jesus didn't die for me to sit here feeling sad for myself, but neither did He die for me to heap false guilt on myself. Reality is, it's a challenging time. Be honest about it. On the other hand, neither will i survive this season with joy if i don't get serious about seeking God during it. And that doesn't mean i will be flooded with feelings of light heartedness and laughter. Some days i will cry and that's ok. But then turn my face towards Jesus and make that CHOICE to trust Him."
I took my iPad to Marlin so he could fix the time so i can set my alarm and have it go off at the right time. I also took a good hard look at what i can change about my life and what i can't. The things i can change, (getting up earlier to spend time with Jesus, getting a school routine in place, learning to drive again with confidence etc) i will. The things i can't, i am choosing to lay down and trust. This is also not the time to make long term decisions on how many children we have, wouldn't you say?
This morning was off to a great start but i've been tested already. Somehow the children haven't gotten into the same mind set and are still showing their Adamic natures, complete with whining and fighting. It's still raining, the skies are still gray. I'm still waiting on school books and still wondering how it's all going to fit. But there's a big difference. I've met with God and I've asked Him to help me. I've also asked Him to fix the vacuum sweeper. I'm hoping He'll say yes, but if He doesn't, I'm going to thank Him anyway.