A Sign.........

I sat in the recliner this morning, desperately trying to make a connection with God and failing miserably. I feel like i need a sign that God loves me still, in spite of my ugliness. No sign appears...... I feel irritable and my day hasn't even started. HELP! Will i always feel hormonal and inclined to snap at someone rather than cuddle with them? Cuddle? Nope, not in the mood. Every time i hold a child i get a contraction, every time they lean against me i feel like pushing them away. Of course i paste a smile on my face and try to be cheerful. It only works for a few minutes.

I heave myself off the chair and get the oldest 2 children up to work on school. Surprisingly it goes fairly well, although it's easy to control your irritability when there's only 2 of them up. Where has my joy gone? I know pregnancy brings huge hormonal changes but i don't want to use that as an excuse. I'm in danger of my man never allowing me to ever get pregnant again as it is. Surely God's grace is sufficient but i can't say i'm feeling much of a supply right now. By breakfast i'm in danger of frying the kids along with the pancakes and i know i need help. Some caffeine perhaps? Or maybe.............i head to the bedrooom, shut my door and get on my knees. "Lord, i'm a miserable, wretched, grouchy woman. I can't even pretend to be cheerful unless you do the work in my heart. Help me, OH PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!" I go back to the kitchen and continue making breakfast when it hits me. The grouchiness is gone. Totally GONE! In place of that i feel a bubbling joyfulness, a love for the children, and they're no longer in danger of losing their little heads. I've received my sign...........