I'm in love

The entire gang is in bed, including Jacob, and here i sit, writing a blog post. It's hard for me to go to bed at 8:30, in spite of a newborn baby. Speaking of baby, Jacob is almost a week old. I can't believe it and it makes my heart sad to think how fast he's growing. I'm so desperately in love with him, from his little round dark head to his wrinkly, little, old man feet. You would think after 7 children your love tank would be running dry but there's a small miracle in that it keeps growing. Actually, i think the love in my heart expands with each baby.

A week ago i sat on the couch, breathing through contractions, fighting that gnawing fear in the pit of my stomach. Try as i would, i couldn't forget what i had to work through until i could hold this baby. I finally, as the contractions intensified, started thanking God through each contraction. Thanking Him for how He made our bodies, thanking Him for this baby, for this contraction, and telling Him that i trusted Him. The fear left, the pain didn't. I remember reaching down, before he crowned, and feeling this little round hard ball that was his head. It gave me a bit of encouragement, albeit a small bit. His delivery was excruciating, and i sobbed to Marlin in the middle of it that i never want to do this again, and i meant it from the bottom of my heart. And then i blink, and he's a week old. I find myself wondering how many other children God is waiting to bless us with and i quickly remind myself how much it hurts to get them here. I have 3 friends from church that i just found out are pregnant and i feel a stab of something. When their babies are born, Jacob will be so very big. Long past the helpless newborn stage and it makes my heart ache. I struggled when i found out he was on his way and now i can't imagine him not being here. And i rest in the fact that i can leave it up to Marlin and God as to how many children we will have. I trust them both, knowing that my hormones are liable to change with the weather, but God is unchangeable and able to give my man the wisdom he needs.

And with that, i bid you good-night.