Peter, walking on the water, his eyes on Jesus and his heart full of faith. Full of confidence, he knows that Jesus won't let him sink........or will He? Peter falters for a second and looks around. What if? What if Jesus isn't big enough or maybe doesn't care enough? His feet begin to slowly lose their confidence and the water starts to rise. Jesus? Are you out there?
Peter is a close relative of mine. Today i started sinking. I am no super woman and i can't do it all. I started out full of faith, trusting that God can do the impossible in my life. I can homeschool, carry yet another child under my heart, take care of my mother, keep a clean house, cook good meals, minister to the hurting around me, read to our children, laugh and love with my husband, prepare for childbirth, deal with hormones.......all because my eyes are on Jesus and He won't let me down. Me and Jesus. Right Jesus? Jesus? Are you still there?
Today the water didn't just cover my feet, they covered first my heart and then my entire being. I took my eyes off Jesus, looked around at the impossibility of my life, and realized i can't. In despair, I lost my temper with a child and afterwards i sat and held him and cried. I cried for all the little hurts that i give my children and i cried for all the little and big hurts that come into my life and for all the things i wish i could do and be. My little son laid against me and when i was finally calm, he looked at me and smiled, his eyes full of love. He deserves better than me but he doesn't know that. Yet. Will he someday? I held his face in my hands and whispered that i was sorry and that i love him. He nodded, believing in me, and i felt the water recede just a bit.
I'm still surrounded, the waters lapping at my feet, waiting to suck me under........ me and the ones i love best. Is my faith big enough to keep walking? When the waves around me are higher than my head, will i have the strength and courage to look to Jesus? When i can see only the failures and ugliness in my life, will Jesus still be waiting for me to walk on the water with Him?
After supper and a hot bath, i sit on the couch with three little boys surrounding me, along with a few big ones, and we look at a book. They snuggle beside me, secure and happy, and i know that i have no choice but to keep my eyes on Jesus. He is my only hope, OUR only hope........my only lifesaver.
The waters are still there........but Jesus Himself stands tall, bigger than any wave that threatens to wash over me. By faith i will turn my eyes back to Him.