I sit in the quietness of the apartment here at Tenwek and is spite of the beautiful morning sounds of birds and the peaceful atmosphere (no city sounds here) i find my eyes keep filling up and running over. I struggle to keep my spirit from sinking into darkness.....i tell God that i don't want to do this, it's too hard. I don't doubt for a second that God can create a miracle and heal our little one but i also sense that God is asking us to drink from this cup for a purpose. There are more women in Kenya who have lost children, sometimes half their families, than women that haven't so how can i say that we refuse to accept this heartbreak. May God us this to bridge a bit of the culture gap that stands like a barrier between me and my Kenyan sisters.
Yesterday Marlin was concerned that i had lost a bit more fluid so we came up to Tenwek so the OB could check me and make sure all was ok. It was and how my heart fought to accept that we left the children behind. They are in good hands (please pray for those good hands as 8 children without their parents can be a challenge for the best of people!) but i can't even begin to describe how homesick i am for them. They will be coming up tomorrow sometime to be here when the baby comes and to say good by to her and will return home the following day. And as soon as my body is halfway ready i'm headed back to Kisumu to hold all my rowdy little boys and drink in the sweetness of Levi's toddlerhood. I so badly want to make him into a baby again but God forbid i manage that. The best i can do is grab him as he runs by, holding him for a precious minute before he is off to conquer the world.
So today? Today we wait......and cry.