26 December, 2013

Our Little Music Box Dancer

   Today i miss you so bad.....our little Hadassah. I don't understand how grief works. I just know it's painful. And beautiful in it's own heart wrenching way.

   My heart is weeping great rivers of tears today, even while i fold many pairs of jeans, ragged at the edges. Like my heart. The towels i lay on great stacks, my hands aching to be folding little onesies and newborn scented sleepers. You are supposed to be still kicking inside of me, while our anticipation builds of meeting you. And then i was going to hold you, your dreamy, dark eyes staring into me the way only a newborn fresh from Jesus can. I looked so forward to your little fingers wrapping themselves around mine and your little face nuzzling against my neck, your soft skin smelling of baby lotion. And the pink blankets. That soft, pink blanket that we wrapped your so tiny body in was supposed to hold your living, warm self. Those little dresses that aunties, grandma and friends picked out for you will be blessing someone else, for you are dressed in something so much more lovely.

   It was not meant to be........so today?

  Today i smile at my soon to be big men, even while your face smiles into the King's. While you revel in that glorious place, I drink butter toffee lattes with your beautiful big sister.
 You would have loved her!! We love you so much but He loves you so much more. You aren't really in Nyagonda, Kenya under that red dirt, you are where i want to be right now. But it's not my turn yet. So for now i will wait and serve that King until He says, "My daughter, it's time." 

  And always, when this song comes on i think of you. The first time i heard it i knew it was your song. Our little heavenly dancer.



  1. Darla,
    Been thinking of you so much lately....I will keep praying. May the God of all comfort strengthen you as you grieve and process the loss of your sweet Hadassah. I appreciate your honesty, as always. :) Miss you like crazy!
    Love you,
    P.S. I'd love to hear the song, but for some reason I cannot get it to play. :( Think it's my filter.

  2. Hi Friend! Though I drank my tea later than usual today, you are still in my prayers. Today I was reading a book by Andrew Murray - in it he was speaking of the cross, how it is the place where we meet and become one with Jesus. His suffering brings us new life; our guilt finds forgiveness; and so, so much more! I know you are not a stranger to suffering, to grieving, to pain... and I know you are not a stranger to experiencing His life in and through you even while engulfed in the pain.

    Your smile, though it shimmers through tears, shines clear across the ocean to NY!
    Love you!

  3. Thanks Billie! Was thinking of you recently, wondering what's happening in your lives......a bummer you can't hear Hadassah's song! Think music box type music with the twirling little girl on top. Ahh, it would be SO GOOD to give you a big hug and talk.....and talk......

    And Licia, as always i look forward to reading your comments, you have no idea what they mean to me. You are one special person!!!! Your love reaches across the ocean to Kenya! And still through the tears my heart is rejoicing. How incredible is our God!

  4. Hi Darla , Just thinking of you this morning and decided to read your blog while all my children are in still in bed. We had a good Christmas spent with family. Yesterday was my family, Mervin's and Lauren were even around from Mt. But what is family if not all family of God. Jesus said you are my Mother sister and brother, those who do the will of my Father. So in a way you did spend Christmas with family because you are all children of God. Keep on looking up thru your tears. Love, Anita

  5. Dear Darla,
    My heart is weeping with yours. You are right, grief is hard to understand and it really is both painful and beautiful.
    I lift you up in prayer to the King in whose presence your little Hadassah resides.
    What a beautiful day that will be when at last you get to hold her AND be in that Home forever with Him.

    Love always,

    Been thinking of this song alot this past year...



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