My heart is weeping great rivers of tears today, even while i fold many pairs of jeans, ragged at the edges. Like my heart. The towels i lay on great stacks, my hands aching to be folding little onesies and newborn scented sleepers. You are supposed to be still kicking inside of me, while our anticipation builds of meeting you. And then i was going to hold you, your dreamy, dark eyes staring into me the way only a newborn fresh from Jesus can. I looked so forward to your little fingers wrapping themselves around mine and your little face nuzzling against my neck, your soft skin smelling of baby lotion. And the pink blankets. That soft, pink blanket that we wrapped your so tiny body in was supposed to hold your living, warm self. Those little dresses that aunties, grandma and friends picked out for you will be blessing someone else, for you are dressed in something so much more lovely.
It was not meant to be........so today?
Today i smile at my soon to be big men, even while your face smiles into the King's. While you revel in that glorious place, I drink butter toffee lattes with your beautiful big sister.
You would have loved her!! We love you so much but He loves you so much more. You aren't really in Nyagonda, Kenya under that red dirt, you are where i want to be right now. But it's not my turn yet. So for now i will wait and serve that King until He says, "My daughter, it's time."