Seasons of Gray

   I wake up feeling depressed that i have overslept. Again. The gray skies outside match my spirits and i wonder why i feel as tired now as i felt when i went to bed. Christopher is getting up way to many times a night and i know i need to train him out of it but, like everything else right now, it looks overwhelming. I get myself dressed, and stumble out to the kitchen only to discover that not only have i overslept, but my crew is headed out the door to work at the store and i'm too late to make them a hot breakfast. Or a cold one for that matter. Marlin's quiet while he gets his things together, his own body tired from fighting a serious chest cold and no doubt, a bit depressed at a wife that can't even manage to get out of bed in time to feed her family. In my defense, i did set my alarm on my iPad last evening, only to have it go off before i even fell asleep. It is still set at Kenyan time and i don't know how to change it and i was too tired to do the math to figure it out.

  I check my emails and click on the daily devotional that gets sent straight to my account every day. Often it's full of encouragement but this morning it admonishes me to consider the fact that every person that ever amounted to anything in the kingdom of God spent hours, nay, even weeks on his knees. It's been days since i've spent any time worth counting in prayers and supplications on my knees. I've been praying on the run and it's clearly not working.

  Even Christopher, who always wakes with a large sloppy grin, is full of tears and meanwhile, the younger crew charges around the house full of unharnessed energy. I'm still waiting on school books which brings its own set of worries. How will i manage 6 children in school? With two little ones chugging on behind and a kindergartner that is perfectly capable of passing up the two ahead of him? I'm not questioning that we are meant to homeschool, but i am questioning how it will all be done and i know in my inner of hearts that i'm not the only person questioning that. But i know the answer to that one and it's the same answer God has always given. Take that leap of faith and He always, always supplies.

  Except my faith is hitting empty and all i want to do is hide out in a coffee shop, dropping tears into a latte, laden with sugar and caffeine and topped with mounds of whipped cream. I want to take that latte and head over to the library and lose myself in books or stare dreamily out the window. Even better would be for Marlin to go with me to that cafe and have him hold my hand while he listens sympathetically to all my woes and worries. Never mind that he has his own set of woes and worries.

   I think of all the pain and hurt happening the world over and wonder how it can get much worse before Jesus says enough. The gray skies get even grayer as i think of families running for their lives from ISIS, and i heap a bit more of self condemnation on myself at how i even dare feel depressed and overwhelmed. Self condemnation always helps, right?

 I want to end this post in an upbeat kind of way with some well placed advice to myself, and to help prop up any remaining shards of pedestal i've been put on. But no, some seasons are like this, hard and full of self doubt and weepy skies. Or maybe it's self pity? So i will do what i know i need to do. I will click out of the computer and i will choose to serve my family, without the sugary latte and dreamy library. I will serve them in faith that this too shall pass and that God is good and He's big.

  Because faith is most often a choice, is it not?

 

p.s. Did i just end this post with some well placed advice to myself? If so, i'll take it because i'm desperate.